Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
