my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
