Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
