He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
