The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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