walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
