You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
