Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
