The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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