I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
