We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
