that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
