My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
