Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
