Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
