i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize