I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Come see our sink grown plant.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
