mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
