he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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