just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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