I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
