basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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