i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
