I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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