Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
is it fun? or sober?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
