The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
