how can u be prego again
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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