His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
