Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
third nipple confirmed
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
