Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just come out here and I will go home with you...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
