This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
