haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I know her cup size but not her name....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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