I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
