I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
