too bad you live with your parents still
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
