And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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