Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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