the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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