I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
