Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
