When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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