id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
