I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
