So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Randomize