I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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