i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
