oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
