hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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