Pappa wants mamma naked
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize