Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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