If i come over, it means nothing
I cockslap morals
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
