We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
