hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I deserve this hangover.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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