she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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