Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
