Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
