After last night, I could never be a politician.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
