you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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