Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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