People in love make me want to vomit
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
