I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
