some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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