i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
