I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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