my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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