captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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