My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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