nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
