i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I am midnight drunk by noon
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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